Where is the hickey?
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
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i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
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I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
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