You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
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I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
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When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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