it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
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you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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