i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
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we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
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Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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