my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
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My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
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You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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