I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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