Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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