My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize