I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I did not marry a roomba.
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