remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
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Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
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You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
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