cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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