I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
We had sex on a dog bed..
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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