She even gives head with a lisp.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
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He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
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In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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