Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
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Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
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I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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