while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize