you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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