I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
cat food counts as protein by the way
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So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
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the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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