woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
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That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
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I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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