i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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