Sry I called you an 8
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
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