Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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