shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
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Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
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Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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