Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
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An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
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Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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