These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
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