The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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