Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
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I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
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OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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