need another drink. this is the easiest way
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize