The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
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She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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