So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
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Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
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At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I need to align my fucking chakras
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