I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
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She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
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According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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