He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
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I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
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I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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