ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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