I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
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She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
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Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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