those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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