I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
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I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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