I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
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he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
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my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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