she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
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Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
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The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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