Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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