i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
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