after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
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His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
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The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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