Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
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He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
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Blow job season was short but glorious.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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