two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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