i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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