i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize