If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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