He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
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Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
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He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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