VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
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Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
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Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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