I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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