Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
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well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
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hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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