Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
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I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
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I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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